---
title: "The Birds on Waffle Supremacy"
date: 2021-11-01
tags:
- birds
- unstagnation
---

**Summary:** The Birds enter a debate at school over the supremacy of waffles over pancakes. Obviously, one of them is the better food, but it's up to them to prove it.

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---

In the student-lined halls of Vaybiew Secondary School, a lone poster hangs on a bulletin board, its top-right corner limply drooping in front of it. Colours faded from hours of abuse, a singular golden arrow labelled "waffle supremacy" directs any offendees to room 233.

Let us head into the room to observe the intellectual debate occurring between the factions.

Room 233 is styled as a traditional court. Dimly lit, intricately designed mahogany furnishes the room, from the chairs to the desks to the court podiums that are illuminated by spotlights. A substantial audience listens to the four people debating, raptured by the engaging arguments flying across the room.

"The only reason Egg hates pancakes," Noodle Bird is declaring, pounding a fist on the podium before her, "is because there are eggs in pancakes. I'm gonna cook your entire family, you twat."

Egg of the waffle camp glares at her.

The spotlight suddenly switches to Bean Bird as she slams the objection buzzer. "There are eggs in waffles too!" A pause. "But waffles are better than pancakes," she adds.

Noodle recoils at this new evidence, staggering back as if she's been shot. She grips her podium tighter.

Emboldened by this turn of events, Bean goes on the offensive. "The cubes are a better vessel for syrup!" she fires. "You're just bland, Noodle."

Noodle's argument is in shambles and she needs a moment to collect her thoughts — a moment taken by the audience to lean more in favour of the waffle camp.

"No! Pancakes are better!" Noodle racks her brain for any argument while she quickly distracts the audience.

Bean smirks knowingly, sensing victory. "Imagine being so wrong."

Noodle sighs. It's time for their secret weapon — a shame to lose it so early on, though. She nods almost imperceptibly to a shadowy figure at the back of the courtroom.

Coloured confetti is shot from both sides behind Noodle while a large banner with the pancake emblem unfurls from the ceiling as she spreads her arms, beaming. "Pancakes!" she announces righteously.

Bean can only stare at the effective tactic that earns applause from the audience. "Noodle," she says sadly, shaking her head disappointedly.

Sensing that the waffle camp is losing control of the narrative, Egg jumps in desperately to provide reinforcement behind Bean. "Pancakes," he says loudly, quieting the applause, "are just slabs of *cooked dough*. Waffles are elegantly shaped for optimum tastiness."

In front of their emblem, the pancake faction regains their momentum. "No," Noodle retorts, "y'all are so cubed. Imagine not being round!"

"Bruh, what the hell." Runo as the moderator makes a disgusted face at the image of a waffle filled with syrup. "Are you supposed to put that much syrup?"

Noodle takes the opportunity, signaling again to her spy in the audience. "Pancakes have *curves!"* Jets of confetti again fly behind her at the last word. The audience cheers as celebratory music plays, and some of them are already holding up their vote for pancakes.

"Waffles also have curves!" Egg interjects, looking to steal the spotlight.

Runo frowns. "Wait, so you think they have sex appeal?" The cheering, music, and atmosphere in the room immediately falls apart, to be filled with awkward silence.

"Where'd you get that from?" Egg finally asks.

"Isn't that what 'curves' means?"

"No," Bean recovers, answering Runo's first question after a delay. "Waffles have more sex appeal because…cubes…you can…"

"Hol' up," someone in the audience says, to universal agreement.

The debate mood is completely stifled until Egg fiddles with the projector enough to beam an image of a glorious syrup-filled waffle topped with butter and cream onto the debate screen. "The beautiful waffle!" he declares, gesturing at the golden dish. The music is restored and the audience cheers — some of them even change their vote.

"It's super sexy — I'm getting hard already!" Waffle Bird pokes her head out from backstage, to general laughter. "Hi! Help!"

"That's so hot, I'm gonna cum," Bean swoons, starry-eyed, her hands clasped in admiration.

Noodle taps the microphone, creating feedback that reverberates around the room, restoring balance. Satisfied that she is the centre of attention, she begins attacking the golden food. "Can squares roll around?" She takes the microphone out of its holder and steps in front of the podium. "No, I don't think so. Circle supremacy!" Her fist pumped in the air at the last line, a whole tub of confetti pours out behind the curtains, which gets the audience up and excited again. The waffle camp frowns.

"Waffles roll better than pancakes do," Egg corrects Noodle. "They have thicker edges." To reinforce his point, he puts a second image on the screen — a stack of perfectly browned pancakes topped with a square of butter dripping with syrup, outlining their limpness and impractical rollability. "Boring pancake."

"Right?" Bean turns to the audience, nodding. The audience nods along.

"What do you mean — the pancake looks beautiful!" Noodle protests.

Waffle takes this time to poke her head out again from backstage, stepping firmly on the side of the waffle camp. She glances at the screen and shivers. "Ew… my pp just shriveled up." Noodle gapes at her as the audience laughs.

"Pancakes will flop over," Egg says. The debate has returned to normal and the two parties are once again at each other's throats in a normal fashion.

"Like my pp when I see one," Waffle adds.

"They double as wagon wheels!" Bean concludes. The pancake camp is once again in shambles. Noodle gestures at the moderator for their last secret weapon.

Runo from his moderator chair, quieting the audience. To the waffle camp's dismay, he strides dramatically to the pancake podium. There is a sharp gasp from someone in the crowd. "I personally think…" pause for dramatic effect, "*pancakes* are better because they have more *fluff*."

This abdication of responsibility has the waffle team on full offensive, their rage and passion for waffles on full display.

"Nah," Bean dismisses.

"But it feels *dry* in your mouth!" Waffle brushes him aside.

"Unless you consume them a millisecond after they're cooked," Bean agrees. "They flop down."

"Wha —" The pancake faction clearly expected a bigger reaction, and Runo scrambles to counter. "Wait, what do you mean, 'flop'? I have never heard of this."

"They compress," Bean says matter-of-factly.

"Wait, really?" It's almost as if Runo is a paid actor for the pancake camp by how surprised he is at this nonsense.

"Because the heat and steam hold them up."

"They *deflate,* yeah!" Waffle interjects.

"Right!" Bean nods along. Right on cue, the screen somehow falls off with the pancake still on it and limply folds into itself like a bathroom towel.

"I've heard enough." The judge at the other end hammers his gavel, and all debate stops. "I hereby declare — that the waffle camp has won this debate! This meeting is now adjourned."

"You're just a grid lover — that's all you'll ever be," Noodle grumbles as she steps off the darkened stage.